WILDLY FREE ELDER
The Artistry of Aging
Celebrating This Precious Life
With Wendy Haynes
Talking about Death. Some people love it, others shy away. In this online program, which is freely offered, we get to explore a depth of conversation in a way that feels safe, natural and engaging.
“The program and Wendys presence and guidance have benefited my life, relationships and decisions profoundly! I am 22 years old and I have learned so much about myself and my desires, perceptions and deepened the connection with myself and others…Talking about death during the sessions, I have started feeling more and more alive and intensified my relationships.” Elisa, Student, Germany
This is not a death doula training rather it’s about exploring what you might want to do in order to die, as prepared as one can be and, in doing so, live more fully. We will cover everything from preparing an Advanced Care Directive, ideas for the funeral ceremony, choice of disposal of the corpse, dying with dignity… or indignity, fear of death or being a burden, decluttering, unfinished business, grieving and celebration, and so much more. You will learn practices that support learning, connection, acceptance and belonging. You will also have access to a rich body of resources for further study and contemplation.
“The challenge of considering ones imminent death is confronting however Wendy encourages openness, compassion, empathy and understanding of an individuals thoughts and beliefs. This program has allowed me to consider death openly, for myself, for my family and for others. Wendy’s guidance has allowed me to embrace my passion of assisting others preparing for death. I confidently have the foundations to proceed with End of Life Doula training, thank you Wendy.” Heather Hinton, Celebrant, NSW, Australia.
Come and be inspired! Over six months (seven sessions) you will make some great friends from all walks of life and from all over the world. There are two different session times to choose from.Thursday 4th March 2021 6.30-9pm AEDT. For more information and to register for Thursday’s group click here. Friday 5th March 2021 9am-11.30am AEDT For more information and to register for Friday’s group click here.
(*NOTE: AEDT is Australian time. If you are in the U.S. please convert to the day before in the afternoon depending on your time zone)
“I am grateful for your tender yet expert manoeuvring of souls (us) through this nebulous territory. There is so much about dying and death that is still unmapped, however you are providing us with such a lot of experiences with which to make sense of ourselves, and ultimately that is all the preparation that is truly needed for our inevitable meeting with The Mysteries. THANK YOU, for your time, your love, your patience and for your skilful awareness that is leading us through.” Mimi Zenzmaier, Holistic Funeral Director/Death Doula/Celebrant, NSW, Australia“
There are not enough words to express how special this programme truly is. It is both gentle and powerful. Wendy is a remarkable person, with a soul that seeks to connect – and who succeeds in creating a safe space for others to delve inside themselves, to explore and enrich what living and dying means to them – and to learn what more they can do to connect with the earth – in life and death. I have benefited greatly, and appreciate it all.” Moira Hill, End of Life Conversations, End of Life Coach & Educator, England.
“I have loved the variety in the programme. The highlight has, however, been focusing my Life Review around the concepts of forgiveness and gratitude … so powerful on so many levels, both personally and professionally!” Helen Rutledge, Celebrant, New Zealand“
Wendy’s course is so full and rich. There’s so much to learn about the practicals of the life journey, and to uncover the deep learnings that come from within. All in all – a very special uncovering of how it just might feel if you are given an ‘end date’. I’m so grateful to be part of this group.” Julie Weston, Celebrant, Australia
Funeral Ceremonies, Celebrant, Mentoring, and Death and Dying programs; Mindfulness Practices and Empathy Circles
www.wendyhaynes.com or wendy@wendyhaynes.com+ 61 (0) 422 507 517
WENDY HAYNES is a member of the Wildly Free Elder community. You can find her HERE on our site.
Essence of Life
“Don’t look forward in fear. Don’t look backward with regret. But look around you in awareness. That is more or less what it is I think.”
At 14-years old I was not ready to be without my mother, but that moment in time when I went out to look for breakfast one morning, and instead found my father washing the walls of our living room in full scale grief, changed my life forever.
He told me that my mother, the love of his life, had died during the night at the hospital where she had recently undergone exploratory surgery for pancreatitis. The last time my 10-year-old brother and I had seen her being a couple of days before in the hospital as she was supposedly recovering. This death was sudden and unexpected.
This was my first lesson in the inevitable mortality of all living beings. Part of the wholeness of being embodied as death takes its many forms along the way. I was to go on and choose professions in nursing and as a holistic health practitioner, and much later in life as a hospice volunteer, where I was constantly exposed to this inevitable part of life, supporting many patients, clients and families as they navigated the landscape of dying.
In a more personal way it also touched me through my youngest sons fathers death at age 42 – also sudden of a heart attack, my father at 89 in his sleep of a stroke, and two beloved women friends recently from metastatic cancer who suffered greatly before transitioning.
Death has always served as a wake up call for me. Somehow along the way I have learned to integrate it into the daily unfolding of embodied life as the seasons come and go. I perceive death and regeneration all around me in the natural world.
“Before it dies, a Douglas-fir, half a millennium old, will send its storehouse of chemicals back down into its roots and out through its fungal partners, donating its riches to the community pool in a last will and testament. We might call these ancient benefactors, giving trees.”
The Overstory by Richard Powers
Now as an elder I know I am closer to this transition myself, and though not afraid of it, I do wonder if I will suffer. We cannot choose our own death for the most part, but what we can do is live fully while we are here savoring the precious moments we are given.
Awareness of the essence of life.
“It can be unpredictable and last only a few minutes, or you can see it coming from a distance. The thing about dying is that it’s not something you can negotiate. Whether you’re prepared or not, it’s going to happen, and on its own terms, too.
But what helps is making those last days count. They’re still with you. They haven’t gone yet. Make their last days comfortable. Be honest and talk about what’s to come. Nothing has to go unsaid because you have the opportunity to say it. Tell them you love them, and more importantly, show them.
Life is so unbelievably precious. Make every day count.”
Welcome to VINIT ALLEN our newest member of our Wildly Free Elder community! Take some time to watch his video interview talking about activism, conscious eldering, and his views on death and dying.
Moving From Who We Have Been To Who We Have Become
Guest Blog Post By Ron Pevny, The Center for Conscious Eldering
As someone who is deeply committed to supporting people who feel called to age consciously, the terms elder and elderhood are integral to my work. In the modern world, the term elder tends to be equated with that disempowering word elderly, which so often means frail, vulnerable, or just plain old. But it can mean so much more if we understand the role it has played throughout history.
Elder is a role and elderhood a life stage that has been critical for the wellbeing of the world’s cultures since time immemorial, but which has been lost in today’s world. It was the elders whose role was to embody the wholeness, and share the hard-won wisdom, that their communities needed to survive and thrive, especially in difficult times when the ability to see the bigger picture was critical.
It was the elders who recognized the responsibility to share the fruits of their lives and experiences with the younger generations. It was in elderhood, as physical abilities weakened and day-to-day responsibilities lessened, that people could more strongly focus on their inner lives and on allowing Spirit to shine through, so that their biggest impact came more through the wholeness of their being than through the amount of their doing.
While modern culture no longer acknowledges the role of elder, the inner call to true elderhood as we age is still there. It is an archetypal dynamic built into each of us which seeks expression as we begin to move from the stage of mid-life adulthood toward our next chapter.
Many of us are unable to hear this call because it speaks to us in a language of feelings, experiences and intuitions that is foreign to our culture and its values. Others may sense this call, especially in times of inner or outer crisis when we are potentially most open to our inner guidance, but try to ignore it. In either case, by not responding to the call to elderhood we run the risk of stagnation and depression. The nature of life is growth through stages, and when the growth that enables life transitions is prevented, all living things, including us humans, wither.
Each new stage presents us with challenges and opportunities for growth. As one stage is nearing its natural completion, we have a choice: to either try to hold on to what has been (risking withering and loss of our aliveness in doing so) or to embrace the challenging but renewing process of transition. Healthy transition between life stages is a three-phase process, with all these critical phases interweaving as we move toward the new life chapter that calls us.
The first phase is severance, the time of inner autumn, harvest and endingsWe are called to review and take stock of our lives and who we have become—with our mix of strengths and weaknesses, joys and sorrows—seeking to learn and distill wisdom from our many experiences. We become aware of and begin to release or heal attitudes, fears, beliefs, behaviors, attachments and self-identifications that may (or may not) have served us in the past but will certainly not serve us in the future we envision for ourselves.
As we do the work of this phase, we find ourselves more and more aware of being in what is often called the neutral zone. This is time of being betwixt and between life stages, often feeling lost and confused with no map to follow into the future, knowing that who we have been doesn’t feel alive anymore and may not even be possible to continue, but not knowing who we have the potential to grow into.
While the neutral zone is difficult, it is through allowing ourselves to experience this discomfort and disorientation, without grasping for the certainty of clear goals and direction, that we move forward. This is a time for giving ourself the gifts of silence; solitude; reflective time in nature; deepening of our spiritual connection; inspiring images, poetry and ideas; and exploration of possibilities, without making long-term commitments, to see what feels truly alive for us. If we embrace and support this winter time in our journey of transition, we can trust that the vision, creativity and strength that will define our elderhood will begin to emerge according to a timing that comes from layers of us deeper than ego.
As we emerge from the neutral zone, we find ourselves entering the phase known as reincorporation, or new beginnings. This is spring for us, when we experience the emergence of a new life stage, with seeds of possibility sprouting and emerging into the light of a new life stage. We experience gradually increasing clarity about who we can become, what brings us meaning and purpose and how we can best serve life in the new chapter we are entering.
One of the most profound experiences in my 15 years of leading conscious eldering retreats involved a retreat group that shared profound awe as, over several days, we watched three caterpillars undergo transformation within a wire enclosure on a table in our meeting room in Vermont. The retreat center owner had carried them, along with bunches of the milkweed they feed on, from a verdant hillside to this enclosure. As each caterpillar clung to a small branch, it gradually turned into a chrysalis, losing all its caterpillar characteristics and becoming a green fluid contained within a translucent ovular membrane.
The caterpillars had entered their version of the neutral zone, no longer what they were but clearly not yet what they would become. That green fluid contained a pattern or image for the butterfly that would emerge from the goo when the inner process was complete. Then over a couple of days we began to see within each chrysalis vague outlines of a new form beginning to develop.
On the final day of our retreat, as we were reflecting on what we had learned about the dynamics of our own transitions, one chrysalis broke open and a magnificent, wet, fragile monarch butterfly emerged, ready to grace the world with its beauty and contribution to the web of life.
It needed an hour to dry its delicate wings in the sun, and shortly before our retreat ended we opened the enclosure and off it flew to begin its new life. Shortly thereafter we left that place to embrace new chapters in our journeys toward new life as conscious elders.
Ron Pevny is Founding Director of the Center for Conscious Eldering, (www.centerforconsciouseldering.com), a Certified Sage-ing Leader with Sage-ing® International, and author of Conscious Living, Conscious Aging published by Beyond Words/Atria Books. He can be reached at ron@centerforconsciouseldering.com.
Becoming An Elder
Leaving behind my journey of struggling and racing through
the white water of many rivers, I become the river,
creating my own unique way.
Leaving behind my self-imposed role as a tree upon
which others have leaned, I now become the wind,
with the freedom to blow whenever and wherever I choose.
Leaving behind the boxes I’ve created in my life, crammed with
roles, responsibilities, rules and fears,
I become the wild and unpredictable space
within which flowers sprout and grow.
Leaving behind the years of yearning for others
to see me as somebody,
I soften into becoming my future,
with permission from SELF to
continually unfold as I choose, without concern
for how others may see me.
Leaving behind years of telling and teaching,
I become instead a mirror
into which others can peer and
view reflections of themselves to consider.
Leaving behind the urge to provide answers for others,
I become – in the silence of this forest retreat
– the question.
Leaving behind the rigor of my intellect,
I become a single candle in the
darkness, offering myself as a beacon for others
to create their own path.
I become an elder
~ Cathy Carmody, August, 2012
This poem was written at a ‘Choosing Conscious Elderhood Retreat’ at the Sea to Sky Retreat Centre, British Columbia, Canada in August 2012. This retreat was offered by The Center For Conscious Eldering.
Cathy Carmody died in 2017; her WordPress website, https://cathycarmody.wordpress.com/ , continues to be a source of inspiration. She gave permission for others to share her poem as long as she is credited as author.
Our Ageless Self
As our physical bodies start presenting us with limitations, and for some more serious challenges, the feelings of vulnerability and presence of loss may increase.
Yet let’s look and feel deeper into the essential beauty – the soul – of the being who will always reside inside. The one who still dances, creates and dreams within us.
Watch the beauty and passion of this 102-year-old light up as she watches herself dancing in her younger years. We literally see her transform from a bed ridden elder into a vibrant “young woman self” as she dances her fingers on the sheets watching herself on film for the very first time.
Bet her body and heart remembers it all. Stay with it until the very end as there is a great “bathing story” that will make you laugh.
“I used to say to myself I am being paid to do something that I enjoy doing and I would do it for free. Because it just felt so good doing it. Because that music, you know. I just got carried away in it!”
~Alice Barker
Thank you to Gael McKenzie of Australia for passing this on!
The Blank Page
Turning on the light that sits beside my bed my eyes crack open to the new day that is yet to emerge with the light just before sunrise. Rising from under a warm comforter the warm socks go on my feet and I cover my head with the hood that graces the sweatshirt I am now encased in. The blinds are opened to a rain filled darkness that promises in some moment light will penetrate. But not yet.
The lavender teapot awaits the placing of pearls of green jasmine tea and organic honey as the electric kettle is plugged in to heat the pure water that will soon unfurl the tea pearls into long wavy leaves that do their own improvisational dance within the dark depths of the pot. Deepening the water to a rich golden hue that I will only see once I pour it from the spout into the cup that awaits.
Carrying the cup and teapot into the bedroom I just left, I snuggle under the warm comforter once again with pillows piled against my back and legs stretched out in front of me. I grab for the journal I am presently using, open it to today’s page and then stare at the blank page as my fountain pen awaits the caress of my fingers.
Here it is again, an opportunity to stay empty enough and surrendered enough, in the stillness of the early morning before the light has made its presence known. With rain pounding on the windows, gravity sending it into the thirsty earth. To trust in this early morning ritual that something, anything, will emerge upon this blank page to guide me into the day.
A blank page, canvas, mound of clay, speech not yet written or conceived, relationship yet to show itself, endeavor not yet emerged. Entering into the exploration of a different stage of life all together. Spaces where there is potential for awakening….but no clear framework in place. Liminal spaciousness that we don’t remember asking for, but still find ourselves here.
An inner evolution of becoming that does not look or feel like any identity or accomplishment of the past. That particular “clothing” has gone out of style without your even realizing it. You are being asked to wake up to someone you no longer recognize for it does not have any relevance to anything created by others. .
Instead the leap or small steps of recognition embedded in something much more whole, authentic, and wild that no longer wishes to be tamed or mimic others thoughts, work, or expression no matter how profound they may have seemed to you in the past.
Aging into elderhood is rather like this blank page for many of us. The rites of passage and acknowledgement for inhabiting this stage of life no longer exist in many cultures these days. Where can we find direction? Perhaps in the depths of that blank space. This is what life does.
Having had a daily early morning practice of filling those blank pages for a long time now, I find even this morphing and deepening into something that has improvisation, trust, and wild abandon woven into it.
That is when I let go enough. When the urge to plan, make lists, organize, direct, judge, edit, control and “fit in” fade away…..something else entirely emerges through and within. An authentic and unique whole expression that has patiently awaited to emerge over the years.
We invite you to share your “blank page” journey with us. Let’s dive off the deep end together!
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By Gaye Abbott, Copyright 1/27/21
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Our Wildly Free Elder community now has monthly Zoom global community calls. Become a member of this community and a participant in our elder circle calls by becoming a Spotlight. Next community call is on 2/19/21!
A FEW DAILY WRITING RESOURCES:
*Discovering & Evolving Your Wild Authentic Expression: “Wild Writing” with Laurie Wagner
Rediscovering Your Passions With Morning Pages, The Artists Way, by Julia Cameron
More Structured Morning Intention Practice: Write 3 sentences each morning taken from “The Happiness Equation” by Neil Pasricha. 1) I will focus on…. 2) I am grateful for…. 3) I will let go of…..
The Trauma Hold for Times of Stress
Guest Blog Post by Wendy Haynes
“When your stress levels rise and life feels too much, the body can go into shutdown, the mind can run wild and the emotions overwhelm any sense of safety, connection or ability to think. The fight, flight, freeze may go into overdrive as the sympathetic nervous system is stimulated. For some, this is a regular pattern, and the sympathetic nervous system may stay in overdrive. One of the ways that support the regulation of the nervous system, especially if you are in shock or have a history of trauma, is to connect with the body, the container of this life force.
Taking Care and Feeling Safe In Times of Stress
Stress is an inevitable part of living. How we respond to stress and challenges impacts our level of suffering. These are some of the tips for Taking Care that I mention in the role play online funeral ceremony and in many of the mindfulness practices I offer. Depending upon your life circumstances some will support you more than others. Find the practices that work for you so that when you need it, you can utilise this self resource under pressure.
- Become present through awareness of the body. Practice being aware of the whole body, as it is. Start with the feet, working up through the legs, torso, front and back, the arms and hands, neck, throat and head. Noticing whether the sensations are comfortable, uncomfortable, neutral. There may be a mix of all of these as you scan the whole body. Bring curiosity to being aware. The Dharma Ocean has a series of foundational practices. Their 10 Point practice is a full body awareness practice that can be deeply relaxing.
- Become aware of the breath – awareness of breathing in, awareness of breathing out. The space between the breaths. The fluctuations, rate and movement of breath. Breathing in, breathing out. You can join me for the free online mindfulness practices or find recordings here.
- Gently place one or both hands over your heart and offer yourself, silently or out loud, a sense of safety, soothing and care. You may want to get a sense of breathing in and out of the heart area.
- The Trauma Hold, as described by Peter Levine, is to support coming back into the ‘container of the body’ when the mind or emotions feeling overwhelming. It can help to bring a feeling of safety and care. The right hand is placed under left armpit, left hand is around the right shoulder. Just breathe here and feel into the body. I highly recommend Peter Levine’s work.
These strategies, practiced regularly, can support us to ‘befriend’ ourselves and lean into the ever present quiet presence.”
Copyright 12/12/2020 by Wendy Haynes
Beyond “I’m Fine”
Or even beyond “I’m good”, when asked “How are you?”
This last year we have faced our own mortality and that of our loved ones like never before. It is always there in the next moment, the next hour, day, month or year(s) no matter our age. But we had forgotten.
Confronted with impermanence and vulnerability in every single aspect of our lives is an innate part of being alive. Choosing to live gratefully in the moments we are given is a choice we make.
To passionately see, feel, taste, touch, hear and dance the unfathomable beauty, heartbreak and joy of what it is to be embodied at this time, in this place – NOW – takes consciousness, courage and a grounded sense of the inevitable change that continually colors life on Earth with a vibrancy we often miss.
We are being called out into transparency. To no longer hide in our “I’m good” or “I’m fine” when asked how we are doing. Life as we have known it has been stripped away laying bare the reality of who we are. Enough. Now. In this moment, and the next….
Enough, to show up with both feet on the ground no matter the challenges before us. To show that transparent and vulnerable self in relationship with others and the world. To heal the wounds that have caused us to hide from each other in our “I’m fines”. To be real and show up as we are in any given moment. .
Scary? Of course it can be, but more frightening is living in a world with invisible masks on locked in superficial personas and identities that scream fake and forsake wholeness.
In the next interaction you have with someone, or yourself, when you hear “I am fine or good” allow a pause, and then ask “How is it really with you today?….and then give time to simply be present to what unfolds.
“You must cry because that is good for the eyes and the soul.”
Gratitude to Green Renaissance for your on going powerful film making in sharing ideas, inspiring change!!
NEW KID ON THE BLOCK! Go see “Keeping Your Inner Child Alive” with 96-year-old Lee Moczygemba HERE. Invitation to her 100th birthday included!!
Appreciation and gratitude to Ramona Oliver for connecting me with Lee, who is included in Ramona’s book “Inclined Elders“!
Let Us Walk…
Guest Poem by Benjamin Van Haeff
Let us walk
Let us walk into the uncharted pathways of this New Year
Let us fall in love again with the living body of our lives
Making love to the simple joys we hold in our care.
Let us rise to meet the challenges with gentle fiery compassion
Letting our fears for the world
Light the pathway home when the darkness comes
And it will come.
Let it draw us into the deep soils of our shared humanity
That we become rooted in a field of loving presence
And untouchable grace
Weaving a network of support for our family and friends.
Let us stop
Let us stop often to light a fire of gratitude and
Listen to the ancient prayer
That breathe in the wild forest of our hearts.
Let us paint the earth with our songs, stories and art
Let us dance wildly as the ancient heart
Calls us into her circle of belonging.
Let us offer a helping hand to those who fall along the way and
Let’s stop to give voice to those who may not have one
Let us come together.
Let us come together
And open the door
To the path that calls us
And reaches in like a breath of fresh air.
Let us rise
Let us begin
Let us walk…..
By Benjamin Van Haeff, Copyright 1/1/21
Take a walk in the world of Earth Artist Jennifer Rugge
**Standing Ovation for being accepted into HerStory at Manhattan Arts International
https://manhattanarts.com/herstory-exhibition-2020-2021-page-2/ (Scroll down to the 9th artist, Jennifer Rugge)
Humble Flute Player with Joy and Grace, gold-leaf, mineral paints mixed with walnut oil and beeswax on wood, 24″ x 24″
Each Precious Moment
Image by Ankya Klay Photography/Spotlight Blog Post by Ankya Klay
Yesterday I was contemplating on this time of the year and noticing how differently I feel these days. I know the events of 2020 have been sobering….but I think its more the result of the work I have been doing with you in Wildly Free Elder, with Andy and our Life Lessence, and especially with Wendy in our 6 month Death and Dying course (presently in our 5th month).
I find myself in a much more peaceful place of being happy with what is, moment to moment….and I believe this is greatly the result of having walked through and embraced my fears of ageing and dying.
How paradoxical…hey !
To die well is to live well, each precious moment we are gifted.
In times gone by, so much pressure ’to get somewhere”… to achieve, and the ultimate fear of ‘falling off the cliff’ before I had completed my purpose!
But what pray is that purpose?!
To awake each morning, as if it is the first day of a New Year, the first day of a new Life, a totally clean slate, fresh and new – with all possibilities available in my mindfulness. Expansive.
To Celebrate each day, each moment – not just at Christmas – as the miracle and gift of actually being alive, here on this beautiful planet.
It is all such a mystery…. as I surrender my life long habit of attempting to control life (what arrogance!), with the flip (and down) side of that ‘feeling responsible for it all’!…… never being able to rest completely, to sink into trust and being here Now fully.
Then there shall be no rejection of what is, or expectation for things to be different, anxiety about the future, fear of the ultimate, for this is It.
Right here, right now, each precious moment. And that is Eternity.
Then, if I can ‘achieve’ this state of presence, how could there be any doubt that ‘each day suffices unto itself’ – that my life is enough, that it has always been enough….
Appreciation and gratitude to Ankya Klay for saying yes to publishing her transparent New Year musings.
WILDLY FREE ELDER 